ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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