I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
