____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
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