Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
