Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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