We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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