Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
