you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I fill condoms, not promises.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
