apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize