Duck Duck Cougar?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
