the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
