Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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