One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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