OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
