The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
