Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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