I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
