Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
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I need you to use more vowels.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
