Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I think my moral compass just broke
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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