Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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