can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
