I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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