i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize