if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
