I heard we made out
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
