Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
