what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
