Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
