I'm laying in your front yard are you home
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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