Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
