I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.