Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.