I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
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Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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