oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
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I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
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I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.