btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
