i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I think i got beer on your cat.
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