About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
