and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Randomize
