Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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