Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
