As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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