the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
you never un-have a 4some
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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