so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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