My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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