Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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