im six kinds of drunk right now
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
