he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
You're a waste of cheezeits
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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