I just threw up on my dentist
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
