i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
