The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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