there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
