i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
