i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
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