you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
