I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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