Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
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So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
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A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.