he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
