if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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