Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
