made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Randomize
