when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
