I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
