Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
