FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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